Hard Work
I'm doing my biannual (in the twice-a-year-sense) rewatch of How I Met Your Mother and there is a scene in which Ted rattles off a list of all the things he needs in his "perfect" girlfriend - she needs to be smart, attractive (okay, these are fair points) a dog person and a bunch of minor things that don't really matter in a relationship.
I love this show because I think it's silly and funny and I like New York, but I hate how it perpetuates the idea of "the one" and some sort of magical relationship that gives you tingly feelings in your stomach every day for the rest of your life.
Because for most of us there is no "one" perfect human being that we click with right away and live in harmony with until the end of our days. "The one" is someone you will love, someone you will have doubts about, someone who will give you both butterflies and stomachaches. There will be moments of intense infatuation, and there will be nights where you wonder if you've made the right decision at all.
In the world of idyllic snapshots that we live in, no one wants to admit the hardships that come with being in a serious relationship. Instagram is full of anniversary dinners, thoughtful gifts, and engagement shoots. We don't see the in-betweens, the fights when one of you gets too drunk, whether the wedding should be in your hometown or his.
And I don't mean to say that they aren't worth it - because that's something you have to decide for yourself. But I've seen relationships that fall apart at the first sign of trouble, in part because of this idea that if it's not perfect and easy it's not meant to be.
It is my belief that a relationship really only needs two things to work: mutual respect and mutual goals. And while I think the former is often stated, the latter isn't often discussed. It's another aspect of How I Met Your Mother that strikes me every time I watch it.
Ted wants marriage, kids, the whole American dream, and Robin doesn't want any of that. But Ted won't stop pursuing her, insisting that she is the perfect girl for him, and shockingly, this lack of mutual goals breaks them up countless times over the run of the show.
We spend our lives trying to reach the goals that we've set for ourselves, and when we find someone who is willing to strive for the same things, we find a partner. Because in the end, whether it's a house full of kids or a farm full of dogs or a high rise full of books and paintings - if you're committed to someone, you are committed to building something together.
After all, when asked how they stayed married for decades, they respond “hard work.”
I love this show because I think it's silly and funny and I like New York, but I hate how it perpetuates the idea of "the one" and some sort of magical relationship that gives you tingly feelings in your stomach every day for the rest of your life.
Because for most of us there is no "one" perfect human being that we click with right away and live in harmony with until the end of our days. "The one" is someone you will love, someone you will have doubts about, someone who will give you both butterflies and stomachaches. There will be moments of intense infatuation, and there will be nights where you wonder if you've made the right decision at all.
In the world of idyllic snapshots that we live in, no one wants to admit the hardships that come with being in a serious relationship. Instagram is full of anniversary dinners, thoughtful gifts, and engagement shoots. We don't see the in-betweens, the fights when one of you gets too drunk, whether the wedding should be in your hometown or his.
And I don't mean to say that they aren't worth it - because that's something you have to decide for yourself. But I've seen relationships that fall apart at the first sign of trouble, in part because of this idea that if it's not perfect and easy it's not meant to be.
It is my belief that a relationship really only needs two things to work: mutual respect and mutual goals. And while I think the former is often stated, the latter isn't often discussed. It's another aspect of How I Met Your Mother that strikes me every time I watch it.
Ted wants marriage, kids, the whole American dream, and Robin doesn't want any of that. But Ted won't stop pursuing her, insisting that she is the perfect girl for him, and shockingly, this lack of mutual goals breaks them up countless times over the run of the show.
We spend our lives trying to reach the goals that we've set for ourselves, and when we find someone who is willing to strive for the same things, we find a partner. Because in the end, whether it's a house full of kids or a farm full of dogs or a high rise full of books and paintings - if you're committed to someone, you are committed to building something together.
After all, when asked how they stayed married for decades, they respond “hard work.”
I don't have good words to say it, but this post is really important to me! I think this is one of my greatest insecurities, and it's not something that's really ever addressed in media -- the only one I can think of that addresses it is Master of None, and even then, the fact that he addresses it ends up having pretty serious consequences.
ReplyDeleteif someone asked me why I'd think about legally binding myself to my boy for the rest of my life, the only thing I'd be able to articulate is that on a day-to-day basis, it doesn't matter where I'm coming from, I'm usually just happiest to come home to him. When we're together, we get along well. It's not a grand gesture, it's not quite vow material, it's not even a good Instagram caption! but it's what's worked day after day, what's worked for the last year and a half.
Thanks for writing about this! Your perspective, as always, is so important to me.
(ALSO BIANNUAL UPSETS ME because even context is rarely enough to distinguish between the two meanings!!!! It's not like literally where you can literally tell which meaning it is!!!)
p.s. are there puns in sign language?